Thoughts, Musings, & Ramblings of a Catholic Housewife

guilt

Pregnancy Guilt

Oh today.  Oh today was a day.  A day full of frustration, tears, and emotional craziness.  I’m blaming it on the baby.  (Cause the nurse at my midwife’s office said I could.)

I didn’t sleep well last night and it really p*ssed me off that my husband slept so soundly that elbowing him didn’t even stop the snoring (like it usually does).  I’ve been having contractions all weekend, getting excited because I thought we were on the road to LABOR (woo hoo!), but all the contractions basically stopped last night.  My diabetes has been acting up and that is just plain infuriating.  When it was an appropriate time to get up today, I ran bath water, only to discover that we had mud and dirt in our water line (apparently there have been a lot of water main breaks in our city lately), so that meant using baby wipes to try to clean myself up as best I could.  We weren’t put under a boil water advisory but I have my doubts about trusting our plumbing…at least just yet.  So, here I am, dirty hair, feeling gross, exhausted, annoyed with this whole labor/not labor/labor thing that my body is going through, my pregnancy enhanced sense of smell is giving me all kinds of chances to accept a little extra suffering (nothing like a sweet, chemically, cancer smell in the afternoon…gag me!), I’m finding Facebook to be extra annoying, and my husband and I are running late for my midwife appointment.  On the way to the appointment, my husband is kind enough to make a joke that brings me to tears (poor hubby) and comments that he thinks our van is about to fall apart (oh joy).  To top everything off, I just felt guilty.  So, so guilty.  Why?  Because I was totally succumbing to the emotions & hormones.  I was totally falling into the BLAHS that (I understand) are fairly typical at this point in a pregnancy.  I was blaming being a crazed maniac on our baby…our poor, innocent, stubborn baby.

Harold and I lost a baby 2 years ago.  He measured just over 9 weeks “gestational age”.  After our miscarriage, my doctor said that there was no reason to try to figure out WHY we miscarried.  It “just happens” sometimes.  I went through some ups and downs in the months following our loss.  It seemed like I was having more ups when I found out a good friend was pregnant.  Everything just seemed so easy for her!  She got pregnant without even “trying”.  I remember thinking, as she progressed in her pregnancy, that it seemed like all she ever did was complain.  “My back hurts.  My feet are swollen.  I have gas.  Pregnancy is so hard.  Blah, blah, blah.”  I just kept thinking that she just didn’t understand how blessed she was…how amazing it was that not only was she given the blessing of conception (which is hard enough for enough of us) but she was having a good & healthy pregnancy that seemed easy (at least from an outside perspective).  She not only got to be pregnant but she got to keep her baby, too.  I had nice things to say about miscarriages, a positive spin, things I held on to that gave me great comfort (and are all very true) but that doesn’t change how badly I would’ve loved to have been able to carry my first pregnancy to term and raise that child, too.  I mean, it’s amazing that our child was given a “go straight to Heaven” card and we are the parents of a saint, but my mother’s heart still aches for the little soul I would never get a chance to know, at least on this earth.  I always thought, if God ever blesses us again, I will not complain at all, no matter how bad it is!!  (Harold likes to remind me that I said that.)  So, now I feel guilty.  We lost a baby and then struggled for a year and half to get pregnant again.  We got pregnant and I’ve had such an easy pregnancy.  (I don’t think I’ve complained that much, either.)  I felt so guilty today, wallowing in my exhausted self-pity, because I know I am suffering for such a beautiful BLESSING.  I KNOW that everything is okay and God will take care us.  This baby is so worth a crappy day.  (Ok, I know we’ll have more crappy days to come…but you don’t need to burst my bubble just yet.)  There are so many couples who suffered through more miscarriages than we have, longer periods of infertility than we have, and would happily suffer through a day of crazy hormones if it meant such a blessing was theirs.  I am sorry for complaining about being blessed.  I am sorry if my complaints have caused anyone else pain.  I am sorry for being a really crappy friend and not understanding my friend.  I think it’s hard for us when we realize that just because we are blessed, that doesn’t mean that the blessing comes easy, free, or without some kind of suffering.  Pregnancy is a blessing.  That new, eternal soul that you’ve been allowed to participate in the creation of is a blessing!  Whether that soul ever lives a day on earth or only lives in Heaven, they are ALIVE.  Blessings are wonderful and beautiful things and we think that they should all be easy BUT we suffer from sinful choices.  We are broken and fallen and when our first parents ate of that lovely fruit, everything that was supposed to be easy became difficult.  So, blessings (of many kinds) are wonderful but we shouldn’t be surprised that they may also come with their share of suffering.  Even if you have the easiest pregnancy & labor/delivery in the world – you still have to raise the kid & you’ve been blessed with the GREAT responsibility of helping that kid get into Heaven.  You are given the task of molding a little disciple.  Wow.  What a blessing. ♥♥♥

So, as I sit here, airing my dirty attitude, I am trying to embrace the back pain I’m currently feeling, and I’m thankful because that small suffering I’m experiencing right now is a sign of the great and tremendous blessing my family and I have been given.