Thoughts, Musings, & Ramblings of a Catholic Housewife
Who’s Your Mama…in law???
We just got home from a fairly massive road trip. Kentucky to Utah and back, via Frankfort, IL, in 9 days…with a baby in tow. The trip went really well and was an amazing blessing for our family and marriage. One of the things that came out of this trip was a promise, to ourselves and God, to work on improving our prayer life. We decided to make the commitment to praying together, as a family, once a day. We’ve been praying The Chaplet of Divine Mercy, daily at 3p.m., but we weren’t able to do that yesterday (Sunday). Husband’s band was playing a gig Sunday afternoon and he wasn’t available for prayer until after 5. We discussed our options and decided that we would pray a Rosary together, instead of the Chaplet. The Glorious mysteries (Resurrection, Ascension, Decent of the Holy Spirit, Assumption of Mary, and Coronation of Mary) are traditionally prayed on Sundays (and Wednesdays). I have never prayed the Rosary in any way similar to the way we prayed it yesterday. I am used to the mystery being named and then you either listen to a short reflection about the mystery & meditate on the mystery silently, OR you just meditate silently on the mystery. Then you pray the prayers. Well, last night, my husband kept wanting to have discussions about each mystery. We’d meditate silently for and little while and then he’d share some of his thoughts and ask me to share mine. I did not like this. It felt strange and weird. It felt disrespectful but husband is the head of our home and I was trying to submit to his guidance (it’s really difficult for me to submit, so I’m trying to make myself submit – especially when I really just want to roll my eyes at him). I share all of this with you because it all helped guide me to my epiphany…an epiphany that I’m still trying to work out and I’m not exactly thrilled about. At least not yet.
We’d gotten to the fourth mystery and it had been a bit of a rough night. I was feeling frustrated and a little annoyed with my husband. I’d tried to help him and love him through a minor issue. He didn’t appreciate it. It annoyed him. His annoyance, annoyed me. Vicious cycle. So, here I am, annoyed and meditating on the Assumption of Mary into Heaven. I was thinking how much Jesus loved His Mother to bring her to Heaven. Body and soul. Amazing. Then my husband started talking and I found my mind wandering. I started thinking about how much of a “mama’s boy” Jesus was. I once called my husband a “mama’s boy”, when we were dating. It was a negative thing and I made sure he knew that I saw it as a negative thing. After all, I bought into the idea that there was something fundamentally wrong with a man who had a deep love and respect for his mother. I feel like a stupid ass just typing that sentence and I’m sorry for the pain I know that judgement caused my husband. If Jesus had such amazing love and respect for His mother that he assumed her body & soul in Heaven, thus making him a “mama’s boy” then who am I (or any of of us) to judge a man for emulating that love and respect for his earthly mother?
I do not have a horrible relationship with my mother-in-law. At least, it’s nothing like the nightmare relationships you see depicted on t.v. (*cough* Everybody Loves Raymond) or on Lifetime (*cough* any lifetime movie that involves a mother-in-law). If I was really going to describe my relationship with my mother-in-law, honestly, I’d say “what relationship?”. We don’t really have much of one. We don’t talk, we don’t hang out, we don’t do anything together. We do live together. Do you know how trying it is to have NO relationship with someone you live with? Before you answer – think about the question. NO relationship. Not a good one or a bad one. Nothing. Null. Void. You don’t even really acknowledge each other’s presence in the small space you share. If I’m being really honest, then I’d tell you that the nothing relationship is probably more damaging than any bad relationship could ever be. At least with a bad relationship, you know where you stand and that the other one is always out to get you. With nothing…you’re never quite sure where you stand and everything seems like some kind of passive aggressive jab. Agh. My troubles with this (basically) non-existent relationship cause distress for my husband. He’s never sure what is going to hurt my feelings or set me off. His mother and I are very different and it’s a delicate balancing act on his part. He wants to do for his mother. He wants to love her. He wants to take care of her. He also wants to make me happy. He wants me to understand that he does put me & our family first. He wants to love us both & I don’t always make that easy for him to do. I think I project more insidious intentions onto my mother in law’s actions that are actually there. She, too, just wants to be able to express her love for her son. I think she wants to express it for me, too, although I’m not entirely convinced of that. The only way she knows of expressing love is taking care of someone. I’ve stepped in as my husband’s wife and our daughter’s mother & there is nobody left for her to care for, except herself. She’s lived her life caring for everyone around her & them caring for her. It boggles my mind that she will wait for my husband to get home from a road trip to change a light bulb in her room. She’ll go without light for DAYS, instead of changing a light bulb herself. She won’t take the garbage out to the can when it’s full or take the can down to the street on garbage day. It will just sit there, full & stinky, until either my husband or I get home and take it out. This same woman has her concealed carry permit, carries a loaded gun everywhere, and knows how to shoot. She was in the military. She worked on massive machinery at a light bulb plant. She survived TWO brain surgeries, defied doctors’ predictions that she’d always be a veggie, and learned to walk, talk, cook, eat, bathe, etc all over again! She lost her sense of taste and smell but she is alive. She cooked a full meal for her son (my hubs) on her first night home, propped up on a stool & suffering from double vision. Why? Because she loves him & knew he’d survived on ramen noodles and hot dogs for MONTHS, while she was in surgery, in a coma, and then in a nursing home for rehab. He missed his mother & she wanted to give him what she could. (He did help her cook, since she missed the pan 2 out 3 times on her own.) She holds down a full time job at a truck stop, working on the fuel desk. This means she’s dealing with the public, money, electronic machines, making sure regs are followed, etc. She even gets her hands dirty in the truck stop’s restaurant, helping serve & clean as needed. Then, she’ll bring free food home from that same truck stop, even after I tell her that we won’t eat it, and will leave it in the fridge (not eating it, either) until it goes bad & then I have to clean it out. She claims that her background and growing up in the country left her uneducated and uncomfortable around people…and then she goes right back to that truck stop where she is confident, popular, and a complete alpha. She followed her son and converted to Catholicism and remains faithful to the Church, even when she doesn’t understand something. I don’t share all of this with you to garner sympathy for her or myself. I really just wanted to provide an illustration of the woman who raised my husband. The woman who is grandmother to our children, mother to my husband, and in law to me.
Jesus is a mama’s boy. He loves and respects His mother so much that He brought Her home, to His Kingdom, and made Her Queen. He loves us so much that He shared Her with us. We, the church, are His bride. He is our bridegroom. Mary is His mother. This was my epiphany. Mary is my mother in law! (Wha!?!?!?!?!?! Mind BLOWN.)
Now, obviously (at least I hope it’s obvious), Our Blessed Mother is not my mother in law like my husband’s mother is. However, this got me thinking about my relationship with my earthly mother in law (the mother of my earthly bridegroom) and my relationship with my Blessed Mother (the mother of my spiritual & supernatural bridegroom). I do not have a strong Marian devotion but I desire to. I desire to have a strong devotion to and relationship with Mary for many reasons. She is the mother of God. She is the picture of ultimate humanity, femininity, womanhood, and motherhood. Jesus chose her as His Mother and chose to save her before she was even conceived (thus she was immaculately conceived and did not suffer the stains of original sin). I mean, if this isn’t a woman to have a close relationship with, then who is? Mary is the jewel in the crown of God’s creation. She is a role model to me – as a person, a woman, mother, & spouse. Amazing, Blessed Mother, whom I do not know as well or as deeply as I desire. Who’s at fault for this lacking relationship? Me. It’s all on me. I can choose to work on my relationship with Mary. I can choose to talk to her, to spend time with her, to pray the Rosary, to thank her for giving her son to me, or not to.
In this way, my relationship with Mary and my relationship with my earthly mother in law are inhibited by the exact same thing. My lack of effort. My mother in law gave her son to me. (Maybe not as graciously or willingly as Mary gave Jesus…she did cry “who’s gonna take care of my baby??” at our wedding reception but still…) If I want to have a better relationship with her, then it is up to me. Why wouldn’t I want a better & closer relationship with her? After all, my husband is a good man. As much as I don’t think parents are to blame for their adult children’s mistakes or that they should be credited with their adult children’s successes (after all many people turn out well in spite of their parents), we are all effected by the choices our parents make as we are growing up. My mother in law (and father in law) chose to show their son absolute, unwavering, and unconditional love and support. He may not have had much but he never doubted how much he was loved, knew his parents would offer anything & do everything they could for him, they shared everything, and he was happy. He grew up secure in the love of his mother and father. For that, I am forever grateful. It helped make him the man he is.
As I lament on my lack of relationship with my mother in law, I am reminded of what my husband has been telling me for well over a year. If I want this to change, then I’m going to have to be the one to do something. I will have to grow in patience. I will have to choose to overlook some of her quirks that I don’t understand. I will have to let go of my need to control and allow her the freedom to love us as she knows how to. I will need to seek her out and help her become comfortable having a relationship with me. She is here and she is willing. I just have to reach out.
Mary is my mother in law. They both deserve nothing but love and respect from me. If I want better and closer relationships with either of them, then I need to choose that. I need to step out, reach out, and act on that desire. I love Mary. She is my Blessed Mother. It would be nice if one day I no longer felt the need to call out the “in law” in my relationship with my mother in law.
Motivation
Oh! I am so lacking in motivation right now. I keep thinking about all these things I need to do and I WANT done. I keep having ideas for blog content. My head is full of plans and ideas and what am I doing? I’m caught up in reruns of Hell’s Kitchen. Yeah. I’m also eating a bowl of frozen peaches. Yum. I desperately need to figure out how to motivate myself and my family. Desperately. It doesn’t help that I haven’t been feeling well lately. My husband and baby are taking a nap right now. I think I’ll just enjoy my peaches and watching Chef Ramsey yell at these poor people.
How do you stay motivated?
Remembrance
I was reminded today why it is so important that we remember who we are and what we have been made for. I find that it’s really easy to love someone you don’t know. I find it’s also really easy to have empathy or sympathy (depending on the situation) for someone you don’t know. I find it extremely easy to give someone I don’t know the benefit of the doubt – sometimes to the extreme. Why are all of these things so difficult with someone that I know?!? It seems that, if I know your background, your story, it would be EASIER to understand, empathize, sympathize, give benefit to, and love. It’s not. It’s so much harder…at least I find it to be. I find it easy to avoid passing judgement on the words or actions of someone I don’t know and even easier to cast blame and judgement upon those I do know. So, what is a girl to do?
The answer is easy and hard all at the same time. I am called to love everyone at all times, like Christ loves. No conditions, no qualifications, no expectations. I love them for who they are, where they are. (Aside…loving someone does not mean tolerating or condoning choices/actions that we know to be wrong/bad/sinful. Loving them means that; in an appropriate time, place, and manner; I should correct them with great charity.) Loving someone like Christ loves us takes great humility. I struggle with that. Christian humility flys in the face of everything we are told to believe in our society. We are told that we must look out for number one but humility says we should have no worries for ourselves. We should not desire to be loved, wanted, praised, or looked upon with high esteem. We should not be afraid of being forgotten, left behind, wrongfully accused, or despised. When we are humble, we know our place. When we are humble, we REMEMBER exactly who we are, who created us, and who is really in charge. When we are humble, we don’t worry about today or tomorrow and we don’t stress over yesterday, because we remember what is important.
God, please create in me a spirit of authentic humility & help me love everyone, strangers and non-strangers, like Christ loves me. Amen.
What Not to Say or Do…
If you are invited, or invite yourself, over to visit with mom & new baby please refrain from the following… (All of these things come from personal experience or from the experiences of my friends/family)
Side note – my husband is not nearly as bothered by any of these things as I am. I think that men, in general, just aren’t as bothered by this stuff. They also don’t have hormones pulsing crazily through them and haven’t gone through 9 months of pregnancy followed by labor and delivery. They may have witnessed and supported us through it, but they didn’t physically experience it and all of it’s hormonal glory. My husband actually takes some pride in #12 & people wanting to lay claim to our baby. He says “Who doesn’t want to be on a winning team” and our baby is WINNING! 🙂
1. Making any jokes referring to how inadequately mommy is caring for baby & that you’ll just have to take baby home with you to care for him properly. Really, who would think that’s funny or a good idea? I mean REALLY?
2. Offering any unsolicited advice. Really, don’t offer any. Do not tell her what her baby needs or how she ought to be doing something. Just because she doesn’t do something the way that you did/do or the way your doctor told you to doesn’t mean that she’s doing something wrong. Really, really, really – keep your mouth shut if you are a man. There were times I wanted to smack my husband for offering breastfeeding advice. He was just trying to love me & help. I didn’t find it helpful at all. If you are having a conversation about life with baby and mom asks about something, then answer her question. I do have friend who offered unsolicited but very welcome advice about cloth diapering. She offered it via email so I didn’t have to sit and listen to this advice if I didn’t want to.
3. Wearing copious amounts of anything that has any scent to it. Perfume, hair products, body powder, etc. When you douse yourself in these products it can really bother both mom and baby. All those hormones raging and (sometimes) enhanced sense of smell means that these scents can be H.E.L.L. for mommy. Babies have sensitive senses, too. They use their sense of smell to help recognize their mama, find their mama’s breasts for nursing, etc – especially when they are very young and their eyesight hasn’t fully developed. When you’re covered in a strong scent, it can interfere with baby’s ability to sniff out mama or mama’s milk. One other thing to think about – while your scent may smell just lovely on you, if you hold baby it will transfer to baby and NO mama wants to have their baby handed back to them smelling like anyone OTHER than their baby. I have one friend who would demand that her husband give their newborn a bath immediately after certain visitors because they always wore very strong smelling perfume & she couldn’t stand the way her baby smelled after they held her.
4. Don’t take things personally. This really isn’t about you. This isn’t about how often you get to see the baby or hold the baby or feed the baby, etc. This isn’t about you. Get over yourself. Also, remember that new parents have to deal with a lot of well meaning but sometimes very annoying people. You may not do anything to annoy them but just happen to catch them after a particularly long or annoying engagement. They may be tired and feeling raw. Take some comfort or pride in the fact that the new parents might feel so comfortable with you that they don’t have to hide how tired/raw/annoyed they are. Don’t hold it against them or baby.
5. If you want to see the family, don’t always expect them to come to you. Sometimes the idea of getting a newborn & all their paraphernalia ready for an outing is daunting enough to keep parents hiding out at home. Call ahead (because surprise visits can be very stressful – especially if mommy hasn’t bothered to get out her pjs and baby is screaming when you arrive) & schedule a time to either visit the family in their home (offer to bring coffee or a meal, or to take care of baby so mom can get a shower, or help fold laundry, etc – mom may decline all of your offers but she’ll be grateful for the thought) or someplace very close to their home (which means they won’t have to pack as much stuff for baby because they won’t be out all day).
6. Don’t show up at the family’s door uninvited or unexpected. This was mentioned above but it bears repeating and deserves it’s own number on the list. Really, don’t do this to the family. Just because they let you in – that doesn’t mean they want you there. They’re probably just being nice because they couldn’t think of a polite way to avoid you. The ONLY exception to this is if you are a very close friend or family member who lives very far away, therefore making opportunities to see each other very few and far between. I can think of one family that I would be okay with them showing up with very short notice (I’d say unexpectedly but they are too considerate to do that). We love them dearly, they love us, and we only get the chance to see each other once every couple of years. I also trust that we won’t have to deal with any passive-aggressive comments about the status of our home or judgement over how messy it is. We have a few close friends who I don’t worry about the state of our home with either, but they live much closer & we have more opportunities to see them. 😉
7. Don’t try to guilt new parents into doing something they don’t want to do. If parents ask you to refrain from doing something, don’t call them out in front of other people or try to make them feel guilty about it. They are the parents and what they say goes. You need to respect that.
8. Don’t go baby crazy. This means a few different things… First, it’s really difficult to remain polite and friendly with people who had no interest in getting to know you or spending time with you prior to you having a baby. Suddenly, here’s baby and people come out the woodwork because they want to cuddle baby. What’s worse is that these people seem to feel they have an absolute right to demand to see baby whenever and wherever they please. You have no rights to this baby or family at all. If you didn’t feel a need to demand that the parents come out and visit with you every time you were in town prior to them having a baby then you need to think twice about demanding that they bring their baby out to see you. Second, it really sucks to bring baby out to see people, only to have them grab at baby and completely ignore your existence, until the baby starts crying. Then they hand the baby back to you for you to “fix” whatever is wrong, while simultaneously offering unsolicited advice about what baby needs. It’s also very uncomfortable to try to breastfeed baby (especially for first time moms) while people are just staring at you. Don’t do that. Finally, babies have the ability to heal schisms in families. That is such a blessing but please remember that this may take some time. Try to cultivate a relationship with the parents beyond the baby. Be patient with them as feelings & schisms heal. Recognize that there may be issues that pop up and need to be resolved.
9. If you invite new parents someplace, you should expect that they’ll have baby with them. If you don’t want them to bring baby or know that you’re inviting them someplace that isn’t baby friendly, don’t get upset if they decline your invitation.
10. Don’t make comments about either mom or dad’s work situation or ask questions about the family’s financial status. It isn’t your business at all. They’ll work out what is best for their family. Keep your nose out.
11. DO NOT SHARE HORROR STORIES. Pregnant moms don’t need to hear about how painful/awful/scary, etc you or your friend’s or your friend’s brother’s girlfriend’s sister’s birth was. New moms don’t need to hear about babies who died in random/obscure/freak accidents. They don’t need to hear about any of that. They need love and support and those stories aren’t loving or supportive. They are scary and they cause parents to question their judgement & abilities. God forbid something actually happens to their baby – what has sharing these stories accomplished? Nothing.
12. Don’t call the baby “my baby”. Did you carry the baby for 9 (ish) months? Did you help create the baby? Did you go through labor? Are you the baby’s mom or dad? No? Then this isn’t “your baby” and you should not refer to baby as “my baby”. I don’t know if there is any better way to piss off a new mom, especially. That baby is her baby, not yours. Recognize that. Are you a grandparent? Then that is your grand baby. Feel free to claim that. 🙂 I remember hearing stories about how my grandpa used to refer to me as “my girl”. He’d say things like “There’s my girl”. If you are a family member, godparent, or very close friend (i.e. honorary aunt/uncle status) then referring to the baby as “my girl” or “my boy” would generally be acceptable, too. However, if mom or dad asks you to refrain from calling the baby anything other than their name/nickname (i.e. no “my baby”, “my girl”, “my boy”, “my little man”, “sugar plum”, “sweetheart”, “pretty lady”, “handsome man”, etc) then don’t argue, pout, or take it personally. Refer back to #7 and respect the parents’ wishes.
Do you have anything to add to the list? Share below! 🙂
Becoming One
My hubby & I have been teaching 2nd grade CCD, which any Catholics out there know means. FIRST COMMUNION. My hubby would agree, it’s been mostly me with him stepping in when I was absolutely exhausted or sick, etc. We celebrated their first communion at the vigil Mass tonight. Two girls and four boys dressed in their best to receive Jesus’s body and blood for the first time. Six little souls finally getting to experience becoming one with Jesus. It was beautiful. What was more beautiful was that this is not their last communion. They will go to Mass again…maybe tomorrow, maybe sometime during the week, but for sure next weekend – either Saturday evening or sometime on Sunday they will go to Mass and they will become one with Jesus. They will have the opportunity to become one with Jesus in the Holy Eucharist AT LEAST once a week for the rest of their lives (more if they choose to attend any weekday Masses). That is incredibly amazing and beautiful. As I was sitting in Mass tonight, and Father was reminding them that this is just the beginning and the one thing better than their first communion is their second, and the one thing better than their second is their third, etc…I started thinking about sex.
Bear with me and don’t start thinking dirty. Aside from receiving the Eucharist; the body, blood, soul, and divinity of Christ; where else do we see two becoming one? In the marital act. A husband and wife having sex (with each other) physically expresses the union of their souls. They become one and, God-willing, participate in the creation of a brand new, unique, soul. Sex is also similar to communion in that the second time is better than the first, and so on. I did have sex on the brain (vaguely) before going to Mass. I am contemplating and praying about applying for a job as a monthly columnist for a blog I follow. They are looking for a columnist for (among other things) a sex & intimacy column. It just jumped off the page at me. I can talk about sex. I can tell you what’s worked in my marriage and what hasn’t. I have a pretty good imagination, too. 😉 I could be a sex columnist…as long as I’m not just writing about sex because sex is so much more than just sex. Thinking about this column and what I would write up to send in as my audition piece has me thinking about so much more. Why don’t we talk about sex more? I’m being serious. Why don’t we talk about good sex, by which I mean sex within a marriage that is GOOD. We talk about the Theology of the Body. We tell our youth that sex is beautiful and fun and God wants us to have good sex, when we are married (all good things to teach) but then, once we get married, we stop talking about sex. We shouldn’t just be telling our youth and single folks how awesome sex can be (should be) once you are married, we should also be helping married couples have amazing and beautiful sex!! We do the same thing with first communion…we put so much emphasis on the first part and forget about the communion. We need on-going catechsis to help enrich, strengthen, and glorify the spiritual unity with Jesus that happens during communion (so the 1,387th communion truly is better than the first) and we need to quit being shy about helping married couples enjoy a physical unity that allows their 1,387th physical communion to be better than not only their first but also their 1,386th.
That is what I would hope my sex & intimacy column would help accomplish. We need to take sex back from our overly sexed, unmarried, super secular, using, worldly culture. Just because they have all the needed parts required to have sex doesn’t mean they are having sex. I believe married couples should be having such mind-boggling sex that they scoff at all those “sex ends when you get married jokes”. Mind-boggling sex? You think it’s impossible? Ha. You don’t know what’s happening then. You don’t have a proper understanding of sex. To boggle one’s mind means that there is something much greater than physical intimacy…there is emotional, spiritual, and psychological intimacy as well. I venture to say that if we were able to help married couples grow closer in every other way within their marriage then they would have to try very hard to not have mind-boggling sex.
Protected: More Photos of Miss C
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A Little Wrong
I think it is probably just a little wrong that I hope my baby will start screaming when people are around or holding her so that I can either avoid handing her over to be held or demand they return her to me because I am Mama and nobody cuddles like Mama cuddles.
I think it is a little more wrong that if I’m already holding my baby, I’m very tempted to pinch her feet to get her to start fussing. Not that I ever do. I”m not a monster…just a mother.
One Month
It’s been just over a month since we went to the hospital for the induction of our baby. Today marks 4 weeks since she joined us on the outside and she’ll have enjoyed one whole month of life “after womb” on Friday. So much has happened in this past month. I kept meaning to sit down and write a post but I’ve been busy. 🙂 I have had so many thoughts and conversations and feelings that I’ve wanted to share with you in the past month but right now, I just want to share our joy. Please meet our daughter, Miss Colette Marie Zestilia Nixon. ♥
Our daughter, just after she was delivered.
Colette being weighed in.
Daddy brings Colette into the nursery to get her stats.
Hello World.
Colette & I
Nap Time
Pregnancy Guilt
Oh today. Oh today was a day. A day full of frustration, tears, and emotional craziness. I’m blaming it on the baby. (Cause the nurse at my midwife’s office said I could.)
I didn’t sleep well last night and it really p*ssed me off that my husband slept so soundly that elbowing him didn’t even stop the snoring (like it usually does). I’ve been having contractions all weekend, getting excited because I thought we were on the road to LABOR (woo hoo!), but all the contractions basically stopped last night. My diabetes has been acting up and that is just plain infuriating. When it was an appropriate time to get up today, I ran bath water, only to discover that we had mud and dirt in our water line (apparently there have been a lot of water main breaks in our city lately), so that meant using baby wipes to try to clean myself up as best I could. We weren’t put under a boil water advisory but I have my doubts about trusting our plumbing…at least just yet. So, here I am, dirty hair, feeling gross, exhausted, annoyed with this whole labor/not labor/labor thing that my body is going through, my pregnancy enhanced sense of smell is giving me all kinds of chances to accept a little extra suffering (nothing like a sweet, chemically, cancer smell in the afternoon…gag me!), I’m finding Facebook to be extra annoying, and my husband and I are running late for my midwife appointment. On the way to the appointment, my husband is kind enough to make a joke that brings me to tears (poor hubby) and comments that he thinks our van is about to fall apart (oh joy). To top everything off, I just felt guilty. So, so guilty. Why? Because I was totally succumbing to the emotions & hormones. I was totally falling into the BLAHS that (I understand) are fairly typical at this point in a pregnancy. I was blaming being a crazed maniac on our baby…our poor, innocent, stubborn baby.
Harold and I lost a baby 2 years ago. He measured just over 9 weeks “gestational age”. After our miscarriage, my doctor said that there was no reason to try to figure out WHY we miscarried. It “just happens” sometimes. I went through some ups and downs in the months following our loss. It seemed like I was having more ups when I found out a good friend was pregnant. Everything just seemed so easy for her! She got pregnant without even “trying”. I remember thinking, as she progressed in her pregnancy, that it seemed like all she ever did was complain. “My back hurts. My feet are swollen. I have gas. Pregnancy is so hard. Blah, blah, blah.” I just kept thinking that she just didn’t understand how blessed she was…how amazing it was that not only was she given the blessing of conception (which is hard enough for enough of us) but she was having a good & healthy pregnancy that seemed easy (at least from an outside perspective). She not only got to be pregnant but she got to keep her baby, too. I had nice things to say about miscarriages, a positive spin, things I held on to that gave me great comfort (and are all very true) but that doesn’t change how badly I would’ve loved to have been able to carry my first pregnancy to term and raise that child, too. I mean, it’s amazing that our child was given a “go straight to Heaven” card and we are the parents of a saint, but my mother’s heart still aches for the little soul I would never get a chance to know, at least on this earth. I always thought, if God ever blesses us again, I will not complain at all, no matter how bad it is!! (Harold likes to remind me that I said that.) So, now I feel guilty. We lost a baby and then struggled for a year and half to get pregnant again. We got pregnant and I’ve had such an easy pregnancy. (I don’t think I’ve complained that much, either.) I felt so guilty today, wallowing in my exhausted self-pity, because I know I am suffering for such a beautiful BLESSING. I KNOW that everything is okay and God will take care us. This baby is so worth a crappy day. (Ok, I know we’ll have more crappy days to come…but you don’t need to burst my bubble just yet.) There are so many couples who suffered through more miscarriages than we have, longer periods of infertility than we have, and would happily suffer through a day of crazy hormones if it meant such a blessing was theirs. I am sorry for complaining about being blessed. I am sorry if my complaints have caused anyone else pain. I am sorry for being a really crappy friend and not understanding my friend. I think it’s hard for us when we realize that just because we are blessed, that doesn’t mean that the blessing comes easy, free, or without some kind of suffering. Pregnancy is a blessing. That new, eternal soul that you’ve been allowed to participate in the creation of is a blessing! Whether that soul ever lives a day on earth or only lives in Heaven, they are ALIVE. Blessings are wonderful and beautiful things and we think that they should all be easy BUT we suffer from sinful choices. We are broken and fallen and when our first parents ate of that lovely fruit, everything that was supposed to be easy became difficult. So, blessings (of many kinds) are wonderful but we shouldn’t be surprised that they may also come with their share of suffering. Even if you have the easiest pregnancy & labor/delivery in the world – you still have to raise the kid & you’ve been blessed with the GREAT responsibility of helping that kid get into Heaven. You are given the task of molding a little disciple. Wow. What a blessing. ♥♥♥
So, as I sit here, airing my dirty attitude, I am trying to embrace the back pain I’m currently feeling, and I’m thankful because that small suffering I’m experiencing right now is a sign of the great and tremendous blessing my family and I have been given.
How to pick a Baby Name 101 (A 12 Step Program)
I know you can find “How to Name Your Baby” lists all over the place…cause I’ve read many of them. I just decided I’d add my two cents, especially because as prepared as I thought I was, I was still surprised by some things we’ve encountered as we’ve discussed baby names. Below is similar to the process we went through.
Step 1: Have you and your spouse make a huge list of every name you like. Consider family names (either to include or automatically veto), biblical names, Saints’ names, etc. (If your spouse is like mine, then he won’t bother with a list. He’ll just add a couple names to yours and then proceed to veto nearly everything, including some of his own suggestions.)
Step 2: Play the veto game on each other’s list. (He vetoes names off your list and you veto names off of his.)
Step 3: Start trying to combine names into first and middle combos from both lists (cause that’s just nice).
Step 4: Say the names out loud, like they may be said in various situations (like your kid is in trouble, you are cheering for them, they are graduating, passing the bar, arresting a suspect, being arrested, etc).
Step 5: Think of any possible nick names, especially mean ones and decide if you like the name enough for your kid to learn to live with whatever you come up with. (Kids are genius when it comes to making up nick names, especially mean ones, so don’t stress too much over this part).
Step 6: See if your child’s web “real estate” is available for the various names you’ve picked. Try first/middle combos as well as first/last, nicknames, etc.
Step 7: Veto more names.
Step 8: Pray. A name is a powerful and important thing. It’s good to ask God what He thinks about your choices, especially if you are leaning towards naming your kid L-a (pronounced Le DASH Ah), Shi’thead, Turtle, or some other extra creative (*cough* or crazy) name.
Step 9: Prepare yourself for lots of opinions. If you choose to share the name you’ve chosen or names you are considering with people, prepare yourself for unsolicited “advice”. Like “What about this name (that neither of you like and vetoed before ever hitting Step 1)?”
Step 9.5: I call this 9.5 because it is also about preparing yourself…for people to express abject disappointment and to almost seem rejected by your name choices. Really, it happens. You don’t want to name your kid after great-great-great-Grandpa Dickie and someone gets their panties all in a bunch.
Step 10: Unless you KNOW the gender of your baby and are absolutely certain about baby’s name – AVOID getting anything monogrammed until after baby is born and you settle on an official name. I can’t be the only person who’s name was changed at birth. My mom didn’t KNOW if I was a boy or a girl (cause they didn’t have all that fancy technology in the dark ages) but had a gut feeling that I was a girl. She called me “Amanda” throughout the entire pregnancy. Then she met me. My name is NOT Amanda. Amanda doesn’t appear in any form, in any way, in any part of my name. She met me and KNEW that I would never be an Amanda. I had to be a Rebecca. (Good thing for me because my husband’s ex-girlfriend’s name is Amanda. My MIL disliked her INTENSELY and I don’t think things would have gone as well if my name brought back memories of her.)
Step 11: Name your baby and tell the rest of the world to take their opinions and shove it. Ultimately, this baby is being entrusted by God, to you, and that includes your God-given authority to curse your baby with whatever moniker you want.
Step 12: Buy your baby’s web real estate (their website). Even if you aren’t going to “do” anything with it. This ensures that some crazy cat lady or escort or moonshiner or mercenary or amateur “film” maker or evil master-mind, etc., who just happens to share your kid’s name, won’t be able to buy it and use it for their own nefarious purposes.
I wish you all good luck with naming those babies!!
Update…4/1/2013
Occasionally, your kid still ends up nameless, even after following all 12 steps. Then you pull out Step 13 and just ask your kid. Our daughter was nameless for the first 3 days of her life on the outside. We had trouble deciding between the two names we’d narrowed it down to, so we asked her. “Are you a …?” She frowned. Ok. “Are you a …?” She almost started crying. Ok. Back to the drawing board (kinda)! She seemed to veto both names and we didn’t feel like either name seemed quite right…something was just a little off. So, we prayed some more and checked out the list of Saints names and checked out name meanings. One name kept coming back up. It was pretty and feminine and classic sounding. It was different but not so different. It was shared by a an awesome Saint and had a wonderfully deep meaning for our family. We asked our daughter “Are you a Colette?” and we saw her smile for the first time. We figured a newborn’s smile was all the confirmation we needed and our daughter was named. Funny thing…the two names we’d been trying to decide between were Violet and Coleen. How close were we?!?
